My Kid is a Perfectionist – Blessing or Curse?
It’s encouraging to see your kid strive to excel in school, sports, music, or other interests. Perfectionistic kids are disciplined high-achievers who conquer challenges others wouldn’t dare pursue – that sounds like a sure-fire recipe for success… right?
While we all want certain people in our lives to be perfectionists (you know, hair stylists, brain surgeons, etc.), perfectionism can also have a damaging dark side.
If your child’s high-achieving habits show any of the following signs, their perfectionism could be causing them more harm than good:
1. Misguided motives
Kids tend to develop perfectionistic habits for one of two reasons – either they are seeking excellence for their own personal fulfillment (e.g., – their dream is to break the speed-skating world record), or they are trying to appear perfect to avoid the judgment of others (e.g., – they feel humiliated that they scored second highest on the mid-term). Do your child’s efforts seem to be motivated by passion, or by peer pressure?
2. Fear of Failure
Perfectionism is often used as a type of armor to protect against the discomfort of failure, but failure is an important part of personal growth. If your child is afraid of failure, you may notice that they avoid trying new things, have emotional meltdowns when they make mistakes, or quit hobbies quickly if they aren’t great at them right away. Healthy high-achievers still yearn to be the best, but they don’t beat themselves up for having occasional off-days or taking a while to master a new challenge. Healthy perfectionists often seek the input of mentors to improve their performance, while unhealthy perfectionists are hypersensitive to critical feedback.
Are you letting your kid fail enough? Click here to find out!
3. All-or-nothing thinking
“A B+?! I’m so stupid!” “I messed up my line – I’m never acting again!”
If your kid is hyper-focused on their flaws, they may be falling into all-or-nothing thinking. All-or-nothing thinkers ignore their victories and progress, allowing their tiniest imperfections to feel like utter defeat. A healthier viewpoint would reframe their perspective to celebrate their success (e.g., – “I studied hard and it paid off because I got 87 questions right!”) Parents can help prevent all-or-nothing thinking by fostering a growth mindset in their children.
Click here for tips to foster a growth mindset in your child
Check out our secrets to letting go of unhealthy thinking
4. Living up to labels
Has your child been identified as gifted or twice exceptional (2e)? While most kids feel encouraged by receiving the coveted “gifted” label, the pressure of living up to that identity can feel daunting. When a student sets impossible expectations on themselves, the stress can lead to decreased motivation and impaired academic performance no matter how intelligent they are.
5. Obsessions & anxiety
Perfectionism can be a symptom of several different diagnoses such as anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and eating disorders.If your child is overly preoccupied with their weight or appearance, if they seem chronically stressed, or if they exhibit compulsive rituals, they may be struggling with one or more of these disorders. A diagnosis can sometimes qualify students for IEP or 504 education plans to support their academic success.
Think your child may have a diagnosis? Set up your consultation to learn about our diagnostic testing services
6. Relationship rifts
Just as kids with perfectionism hold themselves to impossible standards, their expectations of others can be unreasonable as well. They may tend to point out flaws or imperfections in their peers, family members, or even teachers. This can cause tension and frustration, making it difficult to maintain healthy relationships.
7. Unresolved trauma
Trauma disrupts a child’s view of themselves and the world around them, and it’s common for traumatized children to believe that they need to behave perfectly to be safe, loved, and accepted. Fortunately, it is possible for kids to process and resolve their trauma. With professional support, they can grasp that the trauma was not their fault and is not a reflection of their self-worth.
Click here to learn how to support a child after trauma
8. Impaired school performance
Ironically, a student’s drive to be perfect can sometimes harm their school performance. Perfectionists experience such intense anxiety that they may feel too debilitated to start assignments or even attend class they might spend 4 hours on a worksheet that should take 20 minutes to complete, they might repeatedly rip up drafts over minor imperfections, or they may avoid turning assignments in altogether in fear that their work isn’t good enough. Without learning new skills to manage their anxiety, these avoidant habits can affect their grades and job performance later in life.
How Variations Can Help
If you think your child’s drive for success may be harming their mental health, an underlying disorder may be at play. Sometimes, these disorders can qualify a child for modifications and services to support their success and well-being at school. Our doctors can determine whether your child has a diagnosis and guide you on the next steps toward overcoming the dark side of perfectionism.
So you know you need help, but aren’t sure how to find the right help?
If a loved one has a learning difference or other condition that impacts their mental health and education, you may feel lost in determining the best ways to support them.
Our Diagnosticians can provide psychological testing to remove the guess-work and guide your family on the best path toward mental health, emotional wellness, and academic success.
Click below to schedule your consultation
Subscribe to our blog on topics that affect your life
The purpose of this article is to provide an overview of the highlighted topic. For a full consultation, and personalized assessment plan, schedule an appointment with one of our specialists.
More about Variations Psychology
Variations Psychology is a group practice specializing in diagnostic testing to identify psychological conditions.
Our comprehensive evaluations test for conditions that impact mental health and development such as ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, depression, anxiety, learning disorders, and developmental delays.
In addition to diagnostic services, we offer Independent Educational Evaluations (IEEs) of K-12 students to assess needs for accommodations in school and determine their appropriate placements. IEEs provide an objective second opinion on existing IEP and 504 Plans.
For K-12 and post-secondary students, we offer evaluations to assess needs for accommodations on standardized tests, college entrance exams (e.g. - SAT, ACT, AP Exams), and graduate and professional licensing exams (e.g. - MCAT, LSAT, GRE, CBEST, NCLEX, GMAT, CA Cosmetology Exam,
CA Contractors State Licensing Exam, CA Bar Exam).
Schedule your consultation below to learn how our diagnostic services can support you and your family.
Variations Psychology is located in Newport Beach, CA and provides psychological testing to residents throughout Orange County and its surrounding areas including Newport Beach, Newport Coast, Irvine, Shady Canyon, Laguna Beach, Laguna Hills, Coto de Caza, Corona del Mar, Costa Mesa, Yorba Linda, Dana Point, Laguna Niguel, Aliso Viejo, Mission Viejo, Pelican Hill, Crystal Cove, Rancho Santa Margarita, San Clemente, Lake Forest, Huntington Beach, Sunset Beach, Seal Beach, and more.
References:
10 Ways to Help Your Perfectionist Child (2010). Education.com. Retrieved from https://www.education.com/magazine/article/perfectionism/
Helping Your Child Overcome Perfectionism (n.d.) Anxiety Canada. Retrieved from https://anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/OvercomingPerfectionism.pdf
Morin, A. (2021). What to Do When Your Child is a Perfectionist. Verywell Family. Retrieved from https://www.verywellfamily.com/what-to-do-when-your-child-is-a-perfectionist-4147432
Perfectionism (n.d.) National Association for Gifted Children. Retrieved from https://www.nagc.org/resources-publications/resources-parents/social-emotional-issues/perfectionism
Shafir, H. (2021). Perfectionism: Signs, Causes, and Ways to Overcome. Choosing Therapy. Retrieved from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/perfectionism/
Shinn. M.M. (2020). Could My Child be Gifted? Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/11-signs-you-have-a-gifted-kid
Shinn. M.M. (2019). Could My Teen Have an Eating Disorder? 9 Signs Parents Should Look For. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/could-my-teen-have-an-eating-disorder-9-signs-parents-should-look-for
Shinn. M.M. (2020). Understanding Education Plans: A Parent’s Guide to 504s and IEPs. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/understanding-education-plans-a-parents-guide-to-504s-and-ieps
Shinn. M.M. (2019). Seeing 2020: How to Let Go of Unhealthy Thinking in the New Year. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/seeing-2020-how-to-let-go-of-unhealthy-thinking-in-the-new-year
Shinn. M.M. (2020). My Kid Has OCD – How Will This Impact Their Education? Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/test-blog/my-kid-has-ocd-how-will-this-impact-their-education
Shinn. M.M. (2021). Healing at Home – How Can I Help My Child Overcome Trauma? Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from www.variationspsychology.com/test-blog/how-can-i-help-my-child-overcome-trauma
Shinn. M.M. (2019). 8 Things to Stop Doing for Your Kids Before They Turn 18. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from: https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/8-things-to-stop-doing-for-your-kids-before-they-turn-18
Shinn, M.M. (2018). How to STOP Anxiety in its Tracks. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/how-to-stop-anxiety-in-its-tracks
How to Cite This Blog Article:
Shinn. M.M. (2021). My Kid is a Perfectionist - Blessing or Curse? Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/my-kid-is-a-perfectionist-blessing-or-curse