My Relatives Don’t Think My Kid Has a Diagnosis – What Do I Do?
“Don’t believe your doctor.”
“My generation didn’t give kids these crazy labels.”
“Kids never had these problems where I grew up.”
Whether your kid has a neurological, mental, emotional, or learning disorder, your relatives may deny the accuracy of their diagnosis. Many of these conditions were not recognized until recent decades, and older generations were raised in societies that often stigmatized mental and emotional differences. It’s painful to hear loved ones invalidate your child’s struggles, and while you can’t always change their minds, there are strategies to protect your kid’s self-worth and maintain positive family relationships.
So how do I deal with family members that deny my child’s diagnosis?:
1. Double-check your defenses
If you enter each family gathering convinced that everyone thinks you’re a terrible parent, you’re bound to perceive every raised eyebrow or moment of silence as a personal attack. While you may have a relative whose mental health beliefs are misinformed or downright toxic, give the benefit of the doubt that their intentions are positive. Keeping your tone and defensive responses in check will help to minimize tension and keep the peace. Remember that most people tend to show more understanding if understanding has been shown to them. Respectfully acknowledge your relative’s different perspective, and calmly invite them to learn more about yours so you can speak from a place of mutual knowledge.
2. Pick your battles
Use your discretion to consider whether it’s worth trying to educate your family member on your child’s diagnosis. Is this family member rigid in their opinions, or are they open minded to other ideas? If you feel like they may be receptive, share data and information from leading sources. If you think it will go in one ear and out the other, it may be best to limit your conversations on the topic with them. It may also be helpful to have a 3rd party expert help explain the diagnosis.
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3. Stay in safe settings
If you’ve noticed that certain circumstances lead to arguments with your relative, do your best to avoid plans that will put you and your child in that position. For example, if your parent tends to make snarky comments when they see your kid struggling to complete their math homework, don’t have them over until after homework is done. If your teen is battling an eating disorder, but your parent makes body shaming comments whenever they join you at the beach, suggest an alternative location to spend time together.
4. Bank on boundaries
Your family members don’t have to agree with you, but they do need to respect your rules for interacting with your children. Use a calm, neutral tone to state clear boundaries. When possible, offer choices that protect your boundaries but also allow them to maintain a positive relationship with your child.
Examples:
“I understand you don’t agree with our decision to give Ayla medication, but if you are unwilling to assist with her dosing when she spends the night, then she won’t be able to stay for sleepovers. We would be happy to host the cousins for sleepovers at our house if you aren’t comfortable with that. ”
“We respect that you have a different perspective, but if you continue making comments about Marco’s condition not being real, we will leave. If you can respect this boundary, we would love to continue enjoying dinner with you.”
5. Distance as needed
While healthy interactions are an ideal outcome with relatives, you must prioritize your child’s needs. If your relative tells your child their problems aren’t real or minimizes their struggles, it’s a sure-fire way to damage your child’s self-esteem and make it tougher for them to find peace with their diagnosis. Hopefully your relative will respect your boundaries, but if they don’t, keep contact limited and supervised. You may feel guilty limiting contact with loved ones, but nothing is more important than protecting than your child’s well-being.
6. Have heart-to-hearts
Even with boundaries and distancing, you may not be able to shield your kid from occasionally seeing Uncle Dan’s rude posts about therapy patients being weak, or overhearing Grandma Rosa’s harsh rants on the ruse of ADHD. However, you can take your kid aside afterwards and express what you do and don’t agree with. This can be an opportunity to teach your child about tolerance, patience, and appreciating the good qualities in others despite areas of uncommon ground.
7. Give them time
As a parent, you may have had a period of denial or grief when you learned your child had a diagnosis. Relatives can have an equally hard time accepting that the child they love has a disorder or learning difference, especially if they grew up in a time when their symptoms would have been shunned or brushed under the rug. Hold strong to your boundaries, but maintain hope that they’ll come around and develop more understanding over time.
8. Find your “tribe”
We all long for understanding from family members, but sometimes we need additional support from outside sources. Connect with other parents, support groups, educators, and experts who understand your child’s diagnosis and can provide compassion and support.
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References:
Help, My Family Doesn’t Accept My Child Has Autism (2018). Hopebridge Autism Therapy Centers. Retrieved from https://www.hopebridge.com/blog/help-my-family-does-not-accept-my-child-has-autism/
Morris, R.H. (2011). What do you do when relatives don’t believe the diagnosis and question your parenting? Autism Spectrum News. Retrieved from https://autismspectrumnews.org/what-do-you-do-when-relatives-dont-believe-the-diagnosis-and-question-your-parenting/
Shinn. M.M. (2019). Could I Have ADHD or Executive Functioning Issues? Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/could-i-have-adhd-or-executive-functioning-issues
Shinn. M.M. (2019). Could My Teen Have an Eating Disorder? 9 Signs Parents Should Look For. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/could-my-teen-have-an-eating-disorder-9-signs-parents-should-look-for
Shinn. M.M. (2021). Why is Math So Hard for My Kid? Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/why-is-math-so-hard-for-my-kid
Snyders, E. (n.d.) What if your family doesn’t “believe” in ADHD? Honestly ADHD. [blog post]. Retrieved from https://honestlyadhd.com/what-if-your-family-doesnt-believe-in-adhd/
How to Cite This Blog Article:
Shinn. M.M. (2021). My Relatives Don’t Think My Kid Has a Diagnosis – What Do I Do?. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from