When Grandma Forgets Your Name: Coping with Your Loved One’s Dementia
When a person is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia, family members often feel scared, devastated, and angry. It’s painful to watch someone you’ve shared a lifetime with as their memories and abilities fade away. As their disease progresses, family members take on more responsibility for their care, often neglecting their own emotional health in the process.
So what can families do to stay strong and support each other when their loved one has dementia?
1. Communicate consistently
Schedule regular family meetings to discuss plans regarding your loved one’s care. Be open about your pain, guilt, fear, or anger, and avoid criticizing the feelings or opinions of others. Remember that each person has their own history and relationship with your loved one, and their reactions may differ from yours throughout this process.
2. Share responsibilities
Caring for the needs of a family member with dementia can feel overwhelming; worrying that they’ll wander off or accidentally harm themselves can make family members afraid of ever letting them out of sight. It’s important to share responsibilities with others so that you don’t get spread too thin or neglect the needs of your children or other family members. Make a list of all of your loved one’s needs and discuss how they’ll be divided among caregivers at your family meetings.
Click here for more tips on managing care for your kids and aging parents
3. Avoid arguments
It’s normal to feel frustrated with the person who has dementia. They may do things that worry or inconvenience you, but try calming techniques or mindfulness exercises to keep your cool. You may not like how other family members react to your loved one’s symptoms – if so, tell them, but do so using non-confrontational “I-statements” in a calm voice.
Examples:
“I feel worried about grandpa’s feelings being hurt when you yell at him. I know it’s hard for you to see him like this, but I need you to try and keep a calm tone with him.”
“I feel upset when you accuse me of not caring about mom since I think we should consider a nursing home. I know you want the best care for her – I do too. I need you to hear me out on why I think a nursing home may be the best option.”
Click here for more tips on managing conflict
4. Manage expectations
If you expect your loved one with dementia to function the way they always have, you’re setting yourself up for frustration. Keep your expectations reasonable and make adjustments based on their level of functioning. If your loved one puts dirty dishes in the cupboards, take over dishwashing and invite them to sit and read the paper after dinner. If they have a habit of misplacing important items, store keys and wallets away from common areas. If they have trouble remembering who people are, remind others to introduce themselves each time they meet.
Example: “Hi Caroline, I’m Sarah. We used to work together at the elementary school.”
5. Reassure each age-group
Dementia is a family disease and each generation requires support. Young children might worry that this is a disease they can “catch.” Teens may resent that their parents’ attention is consumed by their sick loved one. Working adults may feel guilty about leaving home. Whatever your family experiences, assure each member of your commitment to one another. Remind them that you’re all figuring out the best ways to care for your loved one, and things will get easier in time.
6. Rely on routines
Dementia often first impacts short-term memory. Since routines are often associated with long-term memory, they can be comforting and reassuring to a person with dementia as well as their caregivers. Keep mealtimes consistent and have them help with setting the table. Go for walks on Fridays. Sing them a song from their era each time you’re together. If they’re able, have them read large-print headlines aloud from newspapers or magazines, as this can prolong their speaking abilities.
7. Bring joy anyway you can
People with dementia can still remember and experience feelings, even if they don’t remember events. Add joy to your loved one’s days by putting on soothing music or their favorite movie. Smile and give them lots of hugs and kisses. Bring kids in the family to visit them and hang family photos in their bedroom.
8. Keep their identity alive
If your loved one is in the early stages of dementia, they’re likely aware of more things than they can express. They’re also struggling with their impaired abilities and still value their independence. Engage them in conversation by asking them what they’d like to continue doing for themselves and what they could use support with. As their health declines, make an effort to always remember who they were – their dreams, talents, and values. Reminisce about their qualities with family members and friends.
9. Get support
More than 16 million Americans care for a family member with some form of dementia. While watching your loved one grapple with this disease is painful, there’s no reason to go through it alone. Religious institutions and hospitals often have support groups for family members.
UCI Geriatric Medicine & Gerontology
*Please note: since the publishing of this blog, Variations Psychology has narrowed its focus to diagnostic testing and psychological evaluations. Our Doctors can evaluate whether you or your loved one have a diagnosis and guide you through the next steps in achieving your mental health or academic goals. While Variations does not offer counseling, our diagnostic evaluations allow us to refer patients to specialists who are best equipped to meet their needs. In addition, this link can guide you through a directory of therapists, psychiatrists, treatment centers, and support groups in your area. For support with issues related to alzheimer's, dementia, and geriatric healthcare, explore the following resources:
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References:
10 Ways to Help a Family Living with Alzheimer’s. (2018). Alzheimer’s Association. Retrieved from https://www.alz.org/national/documents/care_10waystohelpafamily.pdf
Alzheimer’s and Dementia. (n.d.) Harvard Medical School. Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/topics/alzheimers-and-dementia
Alzheimer’s Caregiving: Managing Personality and Behavior Changes in Alzheimer’s. (2017). National Institute on Aging. Retrieved from https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/managing-personality-and-behavior-changes-alzheimers
Alzheimer’s Caregiving: Helping Family and Friends Understand Alzheimer’s Disease. (2017). National Institute on Aging. Retrieved from https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/helping-family-and-friends-understand-alzheimers-disease
Alzheimer’s: Dealing with Family Conflict. (2018). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/caregivers/in-depth/alzheimers/art-20047365
Impact on Family and Friends (2017). Alzheimer’s Society Canada. Retrieved from https://alzheimer.ca/en/Home/Living-with-dementia/Staying-connected/How-relationships-change/Impact-of-the-disease/Family-and-friends
Shinn. M.M. (2019). 7 Ways a Loved One’s Illness Affects the Whole Family. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/7-ways-a-loved-ones-illness-affects-the-whole-family
Shinn. M.M. (2019). 8 Tips to Calm Your Kid While Keeping Your Cool. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/8-tips-to-calm-your-kid-while-keeping-your-cool
Shinn. M.M. (2019). 8 Tips for Managing Conflicts with the People You Live With. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/8-tips-for-managing-conflicts-with-the-people-you-live-with
Shinn. M.M. (2019). 10 Ways to Connect with Your Grumpy Teenager. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/10-ways-to-connect-with-your-grumpy-teenager
Shinn. M.M. (2019). How Can My Family Master Mindfulness? Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/how-can-my-family-master-mindfulness
Shinn. M.M. (2018). How to Care for Aging Parents While Raising a Family: 8 Tips for the Sandwich Generation. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/blogs/how-to-care-for-aging-parents-while-raising-a-family-8-tips-for-the-sandwich-generation
How to Cite This Blog Article:
Shinn. M.M. (2019). When Grandma Forgets Your Name: Coping with Your Loved One’s Dementia. Psychologically Speaking. [Variations Psychology blog post]. Retrieved from https://www.variationspsychology.com/test-blog/when-grandma-forgets-your-name-coping-with-your-loved-ones-dementia